I eventually won this case when the Supreme Court overturned the District Court’s scandalous decision against me. Click here for the details.
This chapter by chapter comparison shows that Shapiro’s claims that I copied my book from her are totally delusional.
There are some minor similarities of language, but the books are as different as night and day. Shapiro has made it clear that her motivation is to get me to remove my books from the bookstore shelves, because she cannot bear what I have to say about her community’s way of life.
| Shapiro’s claims per chapter |
Sotah The fictional story of three haredi sisters in Meah Shearim, based on a newspaper article on the Mishmeret Hatzinus by Yitzchak Ben Horin, describing an adulterous affair between two married charedi neighbors, and how the woman is expelled from her home whenthe affair is discovered. |
Growing with my Children, A Jewish Mother’s Diary The autobiographical diary of an newly observant American olah, mother of five small children, pregnant with her sixth, attending a haredi parenting course to help her stop constantly beating her children and screaming at them. |
| none | no prologue | Prologue: feelings about feminism, motherhood, beginning class |
| none | Chapter 1 Three sisters discuss upcoming marriage of eldest | Chapter 1 Diary entries June 22- June 26 Beginning her class |
| none | Chapter 2 Description of calm, ordered life in the household of the Reich family of Meah Shearim | Chapter 2 Diary entries June 29-July 5 Dealing with patterns of anger at children |
| none | Chapter 3 Dinah Reich fantasizes about joining Israeli army, marrying. Chaya Leah annoys her teacher | Chapter 3 Diary entries June6-July 22 Shapiro beating her small children and yelling at them less frequently. Workshop discussion on anger and guilt. |
| none | Chapter 4 Dvorah, eldest sister, arranges for a shidduch for her younger sister Dina, and goes shopping for clothes | Chapter 4 Diary entries July 8-July 22 trying to get the baby to give up the bottle. More violence toward her small children: slapping them and yelling at them so she can get to her parenting class. Nauseous and tired, she thinks she might be pregnant. Takes pregnancy test. Test results are positive. She is so tired. |
| none | Chapter 5 Dina’s first shidduch Date with Abraham Breitman | Chapter 5 Diary entries: fear of being pregnant. Goes to get advice from Rav, who tells her it is her nature to be an angry person, and she will please G-d if she overcomes her nature. Our weaknesses are given to us by G-d to help us grow closer to Him. |
| none | Chapter 6 Dvorah fears Dina’s shidduch won’t work out because of money | Chapter 6 Diary entries August 31-September 30 Discouraged about class. Kids still fighting. She’s still yelling. Thrilled the babysitter thinks she’s a good mother. Wonders at loss of creativity. |
| none | Chapter 7 Dina’s parents meet prospective bridegroom’s parents to discuss monetary arrangements. The shidduch doesn’t work out. | Chapter 7 Visits America. Resents children bothering her when she’s on vacation. Meets with successful sisters, feels inadequate. Feels dread about going home. Goes home to Sanhedria Murchevet. Likes herself better. Yelling and hitting less.”How I pray the habit of speaking calmly takes root in me.” |
| none | Chapter 8 Description of Garfinkel the shadchan, called in to find Dina a shidduch | Chapter 8 Children vie for her attention and love. She learns to “appreciate the moment.” |
| none | Chapter 9 Younger sister Chaya Leah begins flirtation with boy from fish store | Chapter 9 Children fight over Lego – Talks to her son’s physically abusive rabbi about not hitting him. The rabbi says:”I only hit to keep them a little scared so that they’ll study hard. It’s good for the boys” Shapiro disagrees, but is “happy she made a good impression” on the rabbi, who strikes her as “a warm devoted teacher.” She accepts this. She is also physically abusive towards her children and like the rebbe “ (from time to time go overboard) p. 169. Husband also finds teacher:”really sweet man and a caring teacher.” They discover by Israeli law it’s illegal for teachers to hit children. Her daughter tells her: I want to kill you.” She imagines slapping her in the face, but instead drags her to the door and threatens to throw her out. Calms down. Son Danny filled with rage. Friend tells her she doesn’t know how to discipline her kids. |
| none | Chapter 10 Dina’s diary about her disappointment with the lost shidduch. | Chapter 10 “How boring it must be to have one baby and not be pregnant. Too easy. I’m lucky to have been given such a challenge. Daughter throws tantrum. Gets smacked.Reads her stories about free will as she’s screaming. Argues with husband over buying an apartment. Gives birth to new baby girl. “A scream flew out of me. Such an embarrassment.” |
| None | Chapter 11 Judah Gutman, carpenter, prepares for his first date with Dina Reich | Chapter 11 March 21-April 1987 “so tired”Despite fears of Divine punishment, baby healthy. Doesn’t love baby yet. Actually, didn’t love any of her kids at birth Comes home to children with measles, pesach cleaning; “I feel no love for babies……it’s no good to have too many children. I can’t do a good job. I feel absolutely no love for anyone. “243) |
| None | Chapter 12 Dina and Judah go to feed birds in Yemin Moshe | Chapter 12 Children squabble. Jealous of sister “for being a new mother, unjaded.” New home. Screaming at kids: “I’ve had enough of this,” I yelled, Amidst yelling and crying and hitting, I thought: “I have lost control.”Hurt and angry at children’s rudeness.“What’s wrong with me?”Workshop suggest put black pepper on children’s tongue’s to stop insults and dirty words. She tries is out on her children but kids hide the pepper. |
| Shapiro gets sick. It’s low blood sugar.In chapter 4, Shapiro also feels tired and nauseaus. Hopes she has flu, but finds out she’s pregnant.In chapter 5 she goes to a Rav for advice on controlling her temper. He gives her standard Rabbinic advice to accept her nature and try to overcome it. | Chapter 13 Dvorah gets flu. She’s afraid she’s pregnant. Yells at baby. Finds out she’s not pregnant.Explains difficulties to husband. Gives her standard rabbinic advice. They discuss birth control. He is hurt and shocked. He takes care of her. She grows to love him. | Chapter 13 Decides for Purim to let her kids eat junk food. Takes kids shopping. Gets drunk: “I changed from an incredibly tense fed up police officer to self-indulgent pleasure seeker.” Realizes how her children must feel.Sick. Fever. Dr. says its low blood pressure. Mother comes to take care of her. |
| none | Chapter 14 Dina goes out with a baker and an accountant. Yehuda gives Dina a present. | Chapter 14 Son damages plants. Daughter Elisheva throws tantrum. Girls bake challahs. Eli gets toilet trained. Husband goes to army.writes:”Hate being a mother.” Attends seminar on shalom bayit. Is told to feed husband’s need for dominance and honor, and he will feed her need for love. |
| none | Chapter 15 Shadchan negotiates match between Dina and Judah. | Chapter 15 Tries to talk mother’s helper, gentile, out of converting to marry Israeli boyfriend. Girl quits. Religious Italian girl takes her place. Girl disapproves of Shapiro’s messy house and noisy disrespectful children. Shapiro is hurt and embarrassed, feels inadequate. Begins yelling and hitting kids again. Encouraged by group to fire girl. Then rehires her. Girl continues to complain about her rude kids and noisy, messy house. |
| none | Chapter 16 Dina decides to marry Judah | Chapter 16 Prepares vegetable soup. Wonders if her life is real or fake. Gives into daughter who doesn’t want to eat breakfast. Goes to Adahan class. Goes to Rabbi’s class. Children’s fighting out of control. Two year old takes baby’s blanket. Baby learns to say “no”. Trying to spend time with children. Rewards with junk food working. More mussar from Rav: Difficulties bring out the best. Feels like a good mother. Grateful late children arrive home safely. Poem about taking out garbage. |
| Afterword Hope this journal helps others to improve their behaviorEnd of Shapiro’s book | ||
| none | Chapter 17 Chaya Leah and Moishe discuss differences in sexual practices of Hasidim and mitnagdim. | |
| none | Chapter 18 Dina goes to mikveh classes. | |
| none | Chapter 19 Te’naim ceremony. Dina secretly unhappy with house, furniture. | |
| none | Chapter 20 Shopping for a wig | |
| none | Chapter 21 Dina’s wedding night | |
| none | Chapter 22 Moishe and Chaya Leah caught together. He gets beaten up by Mishmeret Haziniyut. | |
| none | Chapter 23 Dina and Judah’s married life | |
| none | Chapter 24 Noach Saltzman, Dina’s married neighbor, takes a romantic interest in her. | |
| none | Chapter 25 Dina’s mother dies | |
| none | Chapter 26 After the funeral, lives change. Noach makes progress | |
| none | Chapter 27 Dina works in mother’s store | |
| none | Chapter 28 Dina and Noach begin relationship | |
| none | Chapter 29 Dina thinks of Noach, hides feelings. | |
| none | Chapter 30 Noach visits Dina in the shop. They begin their affair. | |
| none | Chapter 31 Dina bored with husband | |
| none | Chapter 32 Dina and Noach discovered by mishmeret hatziniyut | |
| none | Chapter 33 Dina and Noach are physically intimate | |
| none | Chapter 34 Chaya Leah and Moishe write letters while he is in the army. | |
| none | Chapter 35 Dina agrees to go to hotel with Noach. | |
| none | Chapter 36 Mishmeret hatzinyut show photos of wife with Noach to Judah. He rejects them. | |
| none | Chapter 37 Dina thrown out of home by mishmeret hatziniyut. Goes to America | |
| none | Chapter 38 Joan, a kind, rich secular Jew in Manhattan. | |
| Shapiro claims this is the same as the relationship between Shapiro and religious Italian girl who disapproves of her messy house and rude children(Chapter 15) | Chapter 39 Secular, American Joan meets haredi, Israeli Dina. She tries to understand the girl’s religious beliefs and needs – cholov yisrael, two sets of dishes. Dina is shocked at American and secular ways: how Joan and her husband speak to each other, how the children speak to each other and their mother. | |
| Shapiro, Italian girl describes her strict upbringing, lack of manners in Shaprio’s children. (chapter 15) | Chapter 40 Dina expresses dismay over how children behave, describes her own home. Two women fight, then make up. Dina cleans house, feeling unhappy about being a maid. She is horrified that children are watching a violent movie and tries to stop them. Joan tells her to mind her own business, that the movie is just fine. Joan delighted by the good job she’s done cleaning the house. | |
| Shapiro claims that JOAN’S remark to Dina about not imposing her very different religious standards (Dina is a haredi Jew) on her children similar to Shapiro’s idea that her MOTHER’S HELPER will have different housecleaning standards with she’s a busy mother (CHAPTER 13) | Chapter 41 Joan and husband discuss religion and how to accommodate Dina. Joan visits reform Rabbi, he is contemptuous of Dina. Joan takes Dina shopping and out to eat.Dina amazed by beauty of city. She and Joan discuss their religious vs. secular values in child raising. They begin to understand each other over the religious-secular divide. | |
| none | Chapter 42 Dina teaches Joan about Shabbat | |
| none | Chapter 43 Noach visits her. Wants her back. She has a nervous breakdown. | |
| none | Chapter 44 Judah urged to divorce Dina by mishmeret hatzinus. Chaya Leah and Moishe meet, future together seems impossible | |
| none | Chapter 45 Dina in mental hospital. | |
| none | Chapter 46 Journal of Dina’s psychiatrist about her case Joan visits Dina. Takes her home. Helps to introduce her to art and music. | |
| none | Chapter 47 Dina and Rabbi speak about forgiveness. | |
| none | Chapter 48 Dina weaves a tapestry, and decides to go back home. | |
| none | Chapter 49 Dina contemplates her life as she flies home to her family, hoping for forgiveness. | |
| none | Chapter 50 Dina and Devorah reconcile. Both Devorah and her husband are kind people. | |
| none | Chapter 51 Dina reconciles with her father | |
| none | Chapter 52 Dina’s father visits shadchan and asks him to make a match between Chaya Leah and Moishe. He agrees. | |
| Claims Dina’s recognition that to be a good person she doesn’t have to be a haredi Jew is same as Shapiro’s realization that her children’s fights and difficult personalities are normal. (Chapter 16) | Chapter 53 Dina reconciles with Judah. | |
| none | Epilogue Joan visits Dina’s store in Safed. |
Shapiro’s major claims revolve around the same three pages she brought claim against me in 1994.
Her new claims compare Shapiro’s minor relationship with a very religious mother’s helper, who disapproves of her messy house and rude children, which she compares to the major relationship between of Dina to Joan, which describes secular and religious Jews finding the good in each other’s lifestyles and beliefs and learning to love each other across that cultural abyss. This relationship was revised according to editorial guidelines, and has nothing to do with Shapiro’s book.